Love this blog thanks Calista ❤
So you think you’re small. You think you were born to be quiet and blend into a wall of neutral and pass on your toes. You are surprised when somebody mentions your name. You turn to look behind you to check they weren’t speaking to someone else. You are almost relieved when you find that they are. You have perfected the art of just getting by.
You live in the space in-between. Your life is a series of waiting. You are the one at home, two feet pulled onto the chair and a cold plate of dinner staring back at the hungry clock face. You collect breathing air like privileges. You hold the door open for one person and then continue holding it for the next until a whole stream of people have passed through. They barely look at you, let alone thank you. You wait behind the door until…
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After publishing my first ‘page’ is to start enquiring what happens if we have ‘attachment to our thoughts’. I, on one hand, always thought that what I was thinking ‘must be real’. I didn’t realise that my ‘mind’ was the product of everything I had been ‘exposed to as a small child and to keep me ‘safe’ my subconscious had stepped in to protect me at all costs. A big wake up! Starting not taking my thoughts personally, but thanking the mind’ has been a challenge. But I am in the process of directing not believing what is going on in my beautifully, crazy, monkey mind. A friend told me that very people like never mind love themselves. I understand her perspective, but totally believe we can change if we enquire within.
A few words about myself. I’m a semi centurion with a fascination of and for life. I’ve lived in the Staffordshire,Nottinghamshire Derbyshire, Cheshire Merseyside, Perth, Australia and am now back in Merseyside..
I remember having at 3 years old a very questioning mind. Unfortunately in one way that wasn’t a very favourable state of mind to have at that age. My parents were working at moving on in life in the 60’s and I remember watching the ‘striving’ and constant instability, that required my small family unit to keep moving, to a ‘better’ or in the 70’s a stable income. I remember only wanting peace and stability. I remember at 4 moving away from my hometown to go to a modern semi-detached house, away from familiarity. I have had a need for stability since those days. This is my enquiry into my own need to find peace ‘within’
My first ‘challenge’ for myself has always been my ‘mind’. Because of anxiety created by the pressure on taking exams I went down with stomach pains.At 15 years old I was incredibly thin and shy. The answer the doctors, in the mid 70’s was to send me to a child psychiatrist. I now realise that if a child at 15 is sent to a hospital, the ‘specialists’ need to find a fix, even if there was no real ‘problem’ to fix. After many tests on the meaning of ‘dots’ in a picture and the meaning of fables etc, it was announced that I was ‘epileptic’, then schizophrenic for 2 weeks and then ‘not sure’. I was given a large dose of Valium to take away and for it to be administered. My beliefs from this episode was ‘shame’, that there was something ‘not right’ with me, and also that I hadn’t been able to take the (to me) important examinations for my future. I again felt lost, scared, lonely.Who was !? What was happening in my head?….Who am I really? This is the ‘journey’ to MYself 🙂